I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize