you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
