; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Randomize
