I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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