When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dignity is for republicans.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize