did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
