Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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