rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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