i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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