Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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