I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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