I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
