I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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