there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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