i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
