I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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