mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
