the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
