Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
