You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish you could order shots online.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
