I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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