why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
