You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
