I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
