So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
