My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
