he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
