FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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