When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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