I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
