3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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