I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I need moral support for this bender
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Oh god it's open bar.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
