u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
