I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize