dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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