shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
