Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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