Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
