I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
