i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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