I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My balls are so social today.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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