i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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