I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My dick has a subreddit
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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