i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize