Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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