apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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