I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she peed on how many people?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
