it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
