He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
