i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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