Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
