i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
