apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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