..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
