Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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