Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
