OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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