So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
