the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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