She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
