Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
