I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize