it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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