It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
