two words: eviction party
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
