I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
