Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize