I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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